[Click here for a printable version
of this article.] (Adobe PDF File)![](images/spacer.gif)
Our Grief Coping
Mechanisms
We all grieve differently. Our spouse,
children, extended family and friends involved in the loss will not deal with
it alike. Gretchan and I have had different strengths and weaknesses in this
process. However, we did find some mechanisms of coping in common. They are
presented here as what we have found, though not always equally useable or as
effective for us both. I hope this is of help to some, but if something doesn't
click with you, just skip and search for your path. |
The Torment Cycle
Three and one half years after losing Olivia,
I still have disturbing nightmares. Last night, I had one so disturbing that I
could feel my mind unraveling (yet again). This is a state that I have come to
know too well. I know this will likely continue throughout the rest of my life,
as Ive been told. The images and emotions of the nightmare were so
painfully real, so soul tearing, that it seemed to tear my mind away from me
and imprison it in a tormenting cycle going over and over it, wallowing in the
pain.
So why do we do this to ourselves? I wonder if
out of desperation for some connection to our loved one that we cling onto any
image, thought or emotion, even if it is a torturous one for us. We want to
feel that connection so desperately that we will stay in the cycle of reviewing
it, regenerating the anguish over and over. As painful as that is, letting go
is more painful. Losing our connection to that person is so scary, we will
endure the torment with these recurrent cycles of horrific thoughts and
images.
Getting back to the nightmare, I felt myself
being drawn into the downward spiral of pain, being desperate to cling to any
connection. I realized part of what I was doing was trying in vain to change
the events of the accident, as if redoing it again and again in my mind could
change it. But the nightmare was done, just as Olivias accident is done
and cant be controlled or changed as much as I try. Persistence and
perseverance had always served me well to make things happen in my life. But
now that trait may be causing me to stay in this Torment Cycle in an attempt to
change it. There are also times when one may simply want to think of that
person they lost regardless of the associated pain. But clinging to a hope of
being able to change something in the past will keep putting us back in the
Torment Cycle.
Before I was lost in the cycle again, I
realized I needed to quickly change something to regain some control of my
mind. After three plus years, I have come to accept that I cannot change
Olivias accident or her passing. The one thing I can control is how I
think of her. I can choose to think of the beautiful girl, the happy events,
images and emotions that came with her four years of life. This is where the
work comes in the work is in keeping the mind focused on the good and
not letting it return to the bad. After the nightmare, my mind was trying to
focus on the painful memories. I kept trying to force it back to a good memory.
I needed to do that over and over until the Torment Cycles grip was weak
enough.
Feeling the power of this cycle reminded me
just how dangerous it is. This is a dark and dangerous emotional power. But
because we are in such a need for our loved one, those painful memories do
provide a powerful connection. Using that type of connection has a high price
it pulls you further into despair. These forces are so powerfully
destructive that they must be resisted. It is the wrong connection to maintain
with your loved one. It will overwhelm your mind and soul.
Following a tragedy, it will be difficult for
a long time to tear your mind from the painful thoughts, but with time and
effort, it can be done. With Olivias passing, we have come to feel it was
her choice to leave when she did. We will accept the pain of losing her as long
as we get those four precious years of her life to remember. We would not trade
those years to get rid of the pain. So, we must accept what happened and how
she passed and keep the tragic parts put away as much as possible
and try to live in her love. This is not to say that the weak moments
dont happen. We are all human, but with practice and time, regaining
control of our thoughts does become a bit more possible. Every life has a
purpose (more on this later) no matter how short, and we do not give honor to
their legacy or their purpose by losing our minds in this Torment Cycle.
Friends and family can help us with this
refocusing of the mind. Many will not want to deal with your pain and suffering
because it is just too frightening to them, especially when it involves a
child. But, to be a good friend or family member, you must allow the grieving
person to work through their process and this involves talking about it. Denial
and distraction can be helpful, especially in the beginning by keeping your
thoughts away from the pain and directed on other matters. Eventually, though,
the grief must be dealt with.
When someone who is grieving wants to talk of
their loss, dont freeze up or worse, walk away. Ive seen this many
times when Ive even just mentioned Olivia. Like a deer caught in the
headlights, they freeze up and their faces go blank. If you want to help, all
you need to do is let the person talk but (very important) gently steer the
conversation to the good memories, the happy times, and try to supplant good
images and emotions in place of the painful ones.
If you are a strong person, there will come a
time and a place to deal with the pain. Ive found that not many people
can handle this. Also, we shouldnt stay in the pain too long or often.
Gretchan and I have rescued each other from the Torment Cycle by using this
distraction method. Both of us have had good friends and family to do this for
us also, and we regularly do this with our boys.
We now talk of Olivia often through the day,
at dinner or out doing things. Weve all learned to help each other by
bringing up the happy times, her silly antics, her dancing and sayings. We can
often be heard quoting her. One common quote used at dinner or restaurant is,
Umm, I love parmesan cheese. She would say this as shed dump
a pile of it onto her plate.
Earl Nightengale put it very simply. To
paraphrase, he said, Our lives become what we think about most of the
time. So I think it follows with the Torment Cycle. We must be careful
where our minds focus. I think the Torment Cycle is hell, and our lives would
also become hell if we stay there too much or too long. Eventually, even the
strongest would become overwhelmed. Out of desperation to end the pain or even
to be with the loved one again, ending our own lives could become a strong
attraction. Even though wed be leaving others in a world of more pain, it
may seem like a way out. For me, as much as I couldnt stand the thought
of Olivia being alone in her journey, I also knew it would hurt her to see this
hurt me so much. Further, I felt I would not or could not exist on the same
plane or place as an innocent child, if that were done. I had to let her take
the journey by herself and that, as her daddy, I could not be with her, help
her along, as much as I wanted to. Compounding the pain and loss others would
have to endure is not an answer.
I would like to caution those who are friends
or extended family that unless youve experienced this type of loss, you
have no idea. Be careful not to get into a preaching mode and be careful of
saying hurtful things. I had one person tell me, on the one-year anniversary of
Olivias passing, that I must have been a real bastard in a
past life to deserve this. I dont believe in this, but I was so
devastated by this statement that one could have knocked me down with a
feather. This accusation of me being responsible, for being so horrible a
person, that God would hurt my child to punish me, is excruciating beyond
words. This person then offered a weekend at their camp so we could meditate.
This, of course, was declined. I wish Id had the strength to do more than
just decline.
Another attempt at consoling, Ive heard
too many times has been, I know how you feel. Unless one has gone
through this kind of loss, one doesnt know. Many people already know to
acknowledge this but not all. One person went so far as to qualify their
statement with saying they knew how I felt because they had just lost their
pet. Ive lost pets and can simply say no way, but Im sure most
people know this.
Oh, youre still going through
it is another comment weve heard referring to our loss of Olivia.
Implying, I felt, that I should have been over it by then. It had been almost
three years after our loss and maybe some would think that should be sufficient
time, but there is no time limit. A broken heart does not heal like a broken
bone. This persons attitude was what doesnt kill you, will make you
stronger. To this type of attitude, Id like to say, I dare you to
try this, I double dare you. I saw a T.V. clip with Paul Newman being
questioned by reporters. One younger reporter interrupted, asking him how he
had gotten over the loss of his son. Mr. Newman looked at him like he was
dumber than a rock, stopped, stared into his eyes and got quite serious. Mr.
Newman replied, as I remember, you never get over something like that. You just
learn to continue on.
Ive also heard, Gods teaching you
something through Olivias passing. This has usually come from
someone who means well but doesnt understand the implications to the one
who has lost the child. In my opinion this implies again we are somehow
responsible. If you were to accept this responsibility, the guilt would be
intolerable. I refuse to believe God would hurt my child to teach me a lesson.
This assertion is assigning guilt and is heartbreaking to say the least. A
better way of saying it may be that Gods purpose is a mystery to us and
we may not understand until we pass ourselves. Even if someone does feel
somehow responsible for the loss we can encourage them to accept that God does
have a purpose for the event that He allowed to take place.
Gretchan and I have come to believe that we
were blessed by God for Olivias four wonderful years. And for that, we
are not being punished or taught lessons with her passing but in fact, have
been blessed and honored to be her parents. We always say we will take the pain
as long as we can keep the memories of those four wonderful years.
The world, we found, will continue on even
when you think everything should stop or even end. Life will carry you along
with it, and thats ok for a while, although eventually we do need to walk
along our own path again. |
Distraction
In the early weeks, months and at times, even
years after that tragedy, we found distraction to be a useful defense. As I
touched on earlier, it is very difficult, if not impossible at times to control
your thoughts. Distraction can help by giving your conscious mind something to
focus on. For us gardening, creating a memorial garden to Olivia, helped to
save us. We worked very hard all day to the point of exhaustion and then we
would collapse at night (we were still sleepless despite all this). This was
severe as it was a very hot summer, but we needed something to do for her.
Anything that requires your thought and attention will do. Some other things
that could help with this are; writing, painting, a memorial Web site, reading,
carpentry, jewelry making, etc. Just about any hobby or activity would do as
long as it can absorb your thoughts. The distraction does need to be a strong
enough attraction to you in order to hold your attention. If and when you are
unable to get your mind off the painful things, then distraction can be a
useful tool, although it is only a temporary one. It still works for
me. |
Release
After the hard work with the garden was done
Gretchan and I needed to continue to have a physical release of all the
emotions and anger that would, and still does, build up. For us, we weight
lift. We had both always worked out but the workouts became long and intense to
put it mildly. One counselor I was seeing early on, after hearing of my
physical release sessions at the gym, told me that it was a great mechanism for
me to release all the anger and pain. I told her even when I reached the point
of physical failure with an exercise, if my mind was on the pain and anger of
losing Lulu, my mind (I think) would send out explosive energy and I could keep
going and going with the repetitions. Many times I would have to decide to stop
an exercise before I damaged something. This, she said, was good but that I
should focus on releasing the pain and anger with those explosive bursts. Three
and one half years later it still works it has never failed.
Even today, after writing the first part of
this, I was feeling the anger building up. As a result, I took my lunch break
and worked out for an hour and a half. The endorphine (a feel good chemical in
the body) release from lifting like a madman does helps to make things feel
less desperate. People do look at me funny and I am tired and sore all the
time, but it works for me. At one gym (I belong to four right now) about four
months after Olivias accident, a guy I saw there all the time asked me if
I was trying to kill myself. In a flip reply I said, If I am, its
not working. At the time, all I knew was that I looked forward to and
felt better after those physical releases. In the early days after the
accident, I would count down the time to when I could get to my workout. I
didnt realize until six months ago that I wasnt trying to kill
myself but was actually trying to survive this. There is so much pain and anger
with this type of loss that it has to come out somewhere, it has to be
released. When Im asked why I work out so hard, I often reply that
its better than drowning in a bottle of vodka.
This works for Gretchan, and me, but it is not
for everyone, especially if you dont have a good history of weight
lifting. I would imagine you could tap into this physical release with most
types of sports or exercise. If you do choose a physical mechanism of release,
check with your doctor and start off with a certified personal trainer (CPT)
and build up slowly. |
Purpose
Finding purpose in Olivias passing at
four years old was difficult for me. In fact, it was impossible for me for the
first two and one half years. It wasnt until Gretchans book came
out that I slowly started to tolerate that idea. Up to that point, I was still
trying to change it, to fix it get her back. So I couldnt find any
purpose until I accepted her passing. At the same time, accepting her passing
without purpose was intolerable. So for me, I had to do both together. Until I
could do that, I had been clinging to some vain hope that I would be able to
get God to change it. After all, I would reason to counselors that God can do
anything. He can change and/or create anything He can bring her
back.
Gretchans book Lulus Rose Colored
Glasses, although a childrens book initially, has a profound message. It
is so simply and succinctly put by a four year old that anyone should be able
to get it, even a madman(like me when at the gym). To see the world and life
through a childs eyes or through rose colored glasses is incredible. To
remember when, as a child, how beautiful, how magical, how full of hope and
promise and how everyday seemed like a wonderful new adventure full of all
possibilities. And how, as children, we can feel such unbridled and uninhibited
love. This is what I could accept was so important for her to come into this
world with such difficulty and leave so dramatically for. I could finally
accept that she and us (her family) had agreed upon with God that this would be
her mission/message and that we would have her for only four short years but
four precious years. If on some subconscious or spiritual level we had agreed
to do this with her, then I must do my part.
Once I was able to accept purpose for all this
anguish, much of the pain and anger could be better accepted. There are times,
however, and always will be I suspect, where something triggers the Torment
Cycle again. Then there is the pain that comes and when I have the need to see
her, to touch her, smell her hair
but cant. All the while realizing
with every passing day those physical connections get weaker. But accepting
those losses is more tolerable because there is a purpose here. This much pain
without purpose is now unacceptable.
All life has purpose no matter how short. Even
the connection a mother has with her fetus must be incredible and purposeful (I
cannot know about this but it must be magical). I think our challenge in going
through tragedy, losing children or loved ones, is in trusting God that there
is a plan, a purpose until you can discover it for yourself. |
Empowerment
What we can influence, change or control is
empowering. What is unchangeable or out of our control is disempowering.
Olivias accident was and is out of our control. I cannot change it, and
God knows I begged and pleaded, like so many others, for Him to change it or to
show me what to do to change it. This was a process I had to go through. I felt
if I persisted long enough or asked the right person, I would find a way. In
his book What Happy People Know, Dr. Dan Baker gives a message that helped me.
The message was roughly, there are some things in life that are controllable
and some are not. To focus on what is out of our control is pointless and will
make you feel more out of control. This can put us into a deepening cycle of
desperation and depression. Instead, focus on what you can control, even
starting with the small things. With one of his institutionalized patients,
they began with her tying her own shoes, and with this little step she began
taking back control of her life (at least parts). These little steps can lead
us down the path of empowerment.
Focusing on Olivias accident
(uncontrollable) and trying to bring her back (unchangeable) was leading me
further into a desperation and depression cycle. Eventually, I can see how this
could lead to a complete loss of control, not only of the mind but also of
life. By focusing my mind and energy on something I could control made a huge
difference. As mentioned earlier, for me I had to get to the point of finding
purpose, then I could focus on how I remembered Olivia, how I thought of her,
what images to think of and what to think of her life. Im not saying I am
great at this all of the time because I am not. I have tears in my eyes writing
parts of this and I still, probably always will, have a guttural roar come out
of me when I hear certain songs, see some things, etc. But I do try to bring my
thoughts back under control to focus on the positive and happy aspects of her
life.
One way Ive seen of coping in the
grieving process is to disconnect emotionally. I think this could be a
dangerous route to go because of the risk of disconnecting with everyone and
everything in an attempt not to feel the pain. We have people around us that
need our ability to feel emotionally, to dare to love again and to reconnect. I
am 6 4, 240 lbs. and I may tear up over a movie, T.V. commercial,
song or a touching story, but my family needs me to be here emotionally so I
accept being emotionally volatile. Because my heart is already broken, it
doesnt take much to make it weep. So be it.
Couples can help each other in becoming
empowered again. Helping each other to find what we can do, tapping into our
inherent strengths, to find something, anything constructive to do. Gretchan
helped our boys and me to experience that empowerment again when her book first
come out. For the first time in two and one half years, we all had something we
could do that was tangible and constructive and within our control for Olivia.
It even felt like we were doing it with her. This was a big thing for us all to
be involved with and helped to jump-start our empowerment but any small step
can be added to another small step to start the process. With these steps, the
hemorrhaging can be stopped, but be careful of recurrences because the wounds
do not heal completely. This has become evident from communicating with others
whose loss was over twenty years ago.
Couples also have each other for support but
Ive heard that 80% of marriages end up in divorce when there is a loss of
a child. We are trying hard not to let this happen to us. Most of the time,
Gretchan and I dont have a grief crisis at the same time. However, it
does happen at the same time occasionally and then it is very very difficult.
We can be so confused by our own grief that we cant think of how the
other person is feeling. All I can say about this is to at least be aware that
you are hurting the other person also. You both are in need of support and
compassion but because of the heartbreak and sorrow, neither can give it. Very
quickly, the couple is hurting each other more and more until there is nothing
but pain on both sides. At times like this, feeling emotionally abandoned can
be too much to handle. Also, try to remember there is absolutely no other
person on this planet that knows how you feel better than your spouse. It is
important to let each other grieve in their own way even if their way bothers
you. The trick here, I feel, is to communicate your feelings and be open to
receive the others feelings even when your heart is being torn out.
As I read what I have written, I know it is
much easier to write about these mechanisms than to actually do them. To be
told to just do this or that can seem preposterous when youre in the
depths of grief. I know, Ive been there. Ive been maddened by the
arrogant advice of those who do not know about what they speak of. However,
there has been advice in books and from compassionate people (people who know)
that has been helpful. The concepts can seem simple enough but putting them
into practice is the difficult part. The intrusive thoughts keep coming back. I
have found I do not need elaborate rituals nor do I need volumes of procedures.
I just try and retry these simple steps. You can start with shifting your mind
onto something beautiful, precious and filled with love concerning the one who
has passed.
The more powerful this image or thought, the
better because the painful ones are likely very powerful. In the beginning, if
you can do this for just a minute, you are successful. If you can do it for one
minute then with time and practice, longer periods of time can be accomplished.
Putting your efforts into what is under your control instead of the
uncontrollable works synergistically with this. If you can also find purpose
for your loved ones life and find a way to honor that life, then you can
be on your way to empowerment. In this way, I am hopeful that we can slowly
regain some positive direction to our lives. This is a much better place than
the Torment Cycle.
Warren Pyne 2-4-05 |
[Click here for a printable version of this
article.] (Adobe PDF File)![](images/spacer.gif)
|